What Mentees Need to Know

You don’t have to look too hard or have expert google skills to find articles, websites and courses dedicated to promoting mentor/mentee relationships. In fact, the mentor/mentee paradigm is so deeply embedded into our work psyche that virtually every law firm has a formalized program. Prospective associates will inquire, in solemn tones, about the method for selection of mentors, and the number of mentors they will be assigned when they show up for work.

I think the prevailing mentor/mentee paradigm is destructive. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not about to deliver some “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” screed. Nor will I tell a story about how my career is the product of my deft navigation of the often-hostile legal world based on my searing intelligence, street savvy, and moxie. And you will never hear me talk about the legal profession as a meritocracy. I have yet to enjoy that meritocratic environment.

Indeed, I believe that we all have a deep obligation to help others – that is why many of us became lawyers in the first place. That obligation extends directly and clearly to those around us, particularly, but not exclusively, to the young lawyers who are entering this often-byzantine world.

However, I believe the mentor/mentee paradigm as it is most often envisioned teaches the wrong lessons and creates a relationship that is not a full relationship. In fact, it is anti-relationship.

A mentor is usually described as a trusted counselor or guide. The mentor’s role is to share information about their own career path, as well as provide guidance, motivation, emotional support, and role modeling. I deeply believe that is our obligation as senior lawyers to open our contacts and provide insights, support, and whatever wisdom we may possess.

The mentee’s responsibility in this paradigm? Ask for things. Ask for help. Ask for advice. Ask for contacts … and occasionally smile.

My trouble with this paradigm is that it does not describe a real or sustainable relationship. If we are honest, very few of us enjoy relationships where our role is exclusively to do things for the other party and their role is exclusively to ask us for things. Sure, that is flattering for a while. After all, what lawyer doesn’t like to hear themselves provide wise counsel to an attentive young person. It affirms our wisdom and importance. But after a while that relationship can become inconvenient and tedious.

The best relationships are two-way. Both parties should demonstrate a sincere interest and willingness to engage the other party. By saying it is two-way, I am not saying that it is equal. What one party can do for the other may not “equal” (however you calculate that) what they receive. The mentor will likely have greater knowledge and access to people, power, and resources. They almost always will have more experience. That fact doesn’t obviate the need for an “exchange” between the mentor and mentee.

If you want my interest, you must make a deposit in my bank.

When you build a full relationship with your mentor you gain the added benefit of becoming more deeply ingrained in your mentor’s life and consciousness. Now your mentor has your interests top of mind even when you are not in front of them asking for something. They will think about and promote your career and interests when you are not in the room. When they hear about that plum assignment or interesting experience, they will more than likely think about you. But before all that can happen you must make a deposit in their bank.

When I left the federal bench and joined Skadden many associates asked to meet with me to chat about my career. Many of those associates indicated a desire to work with me or count me as a mentor in their development.

Interestingly, one associate said, “I know you are new to the firm, if your administrative assistant has left for the day, and you need to get something done: a fax sent, file retrieved, get a book out of the library, or have questions about how the firm works, give me a call. I will take care of it for you.”

BOOM! That associate figured out how to build a real relationship with me. Yes, he wanted to work with me. Yes, he wanted me to mentor him. Yes, he wanted access to my contacts and insights. But he offered a real exchange where he thought about ways to add value to my life.

Another associate saw a picture of my daughter on my desk. She asked about her and learned that she was in college, and the light of my life. That associate began to refer to my daughter by her name and made it a practice to occasionally and sincerely (or so it seemed) ask about how my daughter was doing. It turns out the associate had gone to the law school affiliated with my daughter’s college. So, she made recommendations for great local restaurants my daughter might try. She asked about the football game with the college’s rival. She offered her advice to my daughter. That was it. They were simple gestures. However, she tapped into the thing she realized I cared about most and showed a genuine interest.

A third associate set up a google alert for, among other things, the general counsel of my main clients. He would then periodically knock on my door and say, “Judge, I don’t know if you saw this but ….” One of his alerts reminded him of the birthday of that general counsel. My ability to call and wish the general counsel a happy birthday helped deepen my relationship with him.

These are only a few examples of ways a good mentee might build the relationship with their mentor. The mentee should spend the time to learn about the mentor and ask themselves:

• What does the mentor care about? How can I genuinely tap into that topic?
• How can I make the mentor’s life easier?
• What knowledge do I have (or can I ascertain) that the mentor might find valuable?
• Is there some chore or responsibility that I can help with, or take off their to do list?
• Is there some simple wanted convenience (like a cup of coffee from their favorite café during a late night’s work) that I can provide?

If a mentee endeavors to build a full relationship with their mentor, it will ensure a fuller and deeper relationship. The relationship will then prove much more enjoyable for both the parties.